By Michael Vallee
-The New England Patriots, ho-hum, beat the Steelers minus QB Ben Roethlisberger; Brady, ho-hum, was predictably accurate and efficient and the defense, ho-hum, was it’s usual bend-but-don’t-break self, allowing the Steelers multiple trips inside their territory but surrendering only 16 points. Yes, it’s a win against a good team on the road, and yes, as Belichick repeatedly said in his post-game press conference, it is a “tough place to play”, but it’s hard to get geeked up about an *asterisk victory over a backup quarterback with a mediocre arm and an awful mustache.
This was supposed to be one of those measuring stick kinda games where New England gets a window into how they measure up against the “AFC elite”, a phrase that is looking more-and-more like an oxymoron with each passing week. Instead it was a steady and uninspiring performance that became more of a lesson in how to lean on an inferior opponent and do just enough to escape with a win.
I am sure, to a man, the Patriots would tell you they are thrilled to leave Pittsburgh with a victory and an eye towards a rematch with the Buffalo Bills, where New England can effectively wrap-up the AFC East by Halloween, with a win over the Bills. And if that happens, then what? At that point will we really have any idea what exactly this Patriots team is capable of? The regular season is supposed to be a gauge as to how a team will perform in the playoffs, but what if you play a soft schedule filled with cupcakes (Cleveland, Cincinnati, the entire AFC East), teams off to a slow start (Arizona) and the walking wounded (Pittsburgh)? Obviously the Patriots are a contender but are they the Super Bowl juggernaut that was predicted? Hard to say with the schedule they’ve played to date.
There are some potentially challenging games on the second half horizon. Buffalo on the road will be the toughest division game they face and the Jets, following a cross-country trek to San Francisco, could be that sneaky division upset that seems to happen every year. And contests against the Seattle Seahawks and the pain-in-the-ass Denver Broncos should give Patriots coaches, players and fans a better sense of where this team is going. But as of now it simply looks like another Patriot team with a massive advantage at coach and quarterback and a defense that is good but not great. Barring major injury, you can all but punch New England’s ticket to the AFC Championship, but until they face somebody that makes them break a sweat, you might want to hold off on engraving that fifth Lombardi trophy.
-Roethlisberger wasn’t the only significant Steelers injury going into Sunday’s game. You can also slap an asterisk next to LeGarette Blount’s dominant 127-yard, two touchdown performance as Pittsburgh was without their best run-stuffer, Cameron Heyward. Assuming Hampton and Roethlisberger are both healthy in January a rematch with the Steelers would certainly present a real challenge but as I scan the AFC landscape I am hard-pressed to find another team realistically capable of knocking the Patriots out of the playoffs? Here’s the list:
-Oakland Raiders: A nice first half story but Oakland has already lost two games at home and a team with the last ranked defense in the NFL is not beating Tom Brady. Unless the NFL changes the playoff format to a contest over who has the weirdest owner, the Raiders don’t stand a chance.
-Denver Broncos: Denver has a scary good defense and are always tough at home but if this game is played in Foxboro the Broncos have virtually no chance of winning with a guy named Trevor Siemian at quarterback. Denver has also lost two straight games and there is always a chance that a delayed Super Bowl hangover could kick in.
-Kansas City Chiefs: A solid well-balanced team but they have already been throttled by the Steelers, 43-14, and it is still unclear, after 18 years as an NFL head coach, if Andy Reid is familiar with the term “clock management”.
-Houston Texans: BA HA HA! Just kidding. I thought I would add a little comic relief to this section.
-Buffalo Bills: Don’t roll your eyes just yet. Playoff games against division foes can be brutally physical games that often result in upsets (2010 anyone?). Yeah, it’s a longshot, but with a healthy Sammy Watkins the Bills might actually present the biggest threat New England could face in the division round. It’s worth noting that Buffalo could also implode, finish 6-10 and Rex Ryan could be sitting next to Randy Moss on NFL Countdown next year.
-Those are the teams with winning records. As for potential playoff opponents currently with losing records, the Baltimore Ravens are a shell of themselves, the Indianapolis Colts are one of the worst managed teams in the NFL and it’s only a matter of time before somebody on the Cincinnati Bengals beats, stabs or robs one of their teammates.
-Dark Horse Candidate: The San Diego Chargers will most likely miss the playoffs, but if they get hot and win six out of seven games, they could be that team nobody wants to play in January. Philip Rivers is wildly inconsistent and makes a lot of mistakes but he is a tough bastard and the type of guy you don’t want to face in the playoffs.
-I still haven’t heard a good explanation as to why CBS missed the opening kickoff and the first play of scrimmage in the Patriots/Steelers broadcast. This is on the heels of last week’s Patriots game where CBS constantly missed snaps because they were late returning to the game. It is surprising that a network that employs Phil Simms could be so incompetent.
Alright let’s get the inevitable Phil Simms bashing out of the way:
-Part I – Dumb, Scared and Confused is no way to go Through Life: Jim Nance, who might have the hardest job in the world, asked Phil Simms, “Do you agree with the decision to punt?” and Phil Simms answered, “Mike Tomlin is gonna play the percentages, punt it……..and play the score, onside kick game.” Sorry Phil, but that was the answer to the question, “What is Mike Tomlin doing?” and most certainly NOT the answer to the question, “Do you agree with the decision?” The problem here is that Simms not only has no brains, he has no balls. He never gives his opinion on anything even though he is literally paid to give his opinion. It’s bad enough he never questions players, coaches or officials, but now he can’t even give his opinion when directly asked by his broadcast partner. Nance should just start giving his own opinion and pretend Simms isn’t even there.
-Part II – The Only Thing Worse than Not Doing your Job, is Not Knowing when you Are Doing your Job: When discussing if the Steelers’ Mike Tomlin was wise to kick the ball on 4th down, Simms said, “I’m not second-guessing, but I would have went for it.” Hey Phil, when you say that you would have done the opposite of what the coach did, that is the textbook definition of second-guessing.
-Sunday’s win was comfortable but it wasn’t without its drama, courtesy of a horrendous 17-minute stretch of football by the Patriots. From around the 11 minute mark of the 2nd quarter to just under 9 minutes remaining in the 3rd quarter the Patriots allowed a 71-yard touchdown drive, dropped an easy first down pass, shanked a punt, missed multiple tackles, committed multiple penalties, dropped another easy first down pass, allowed three consecutive field goal attempts and completely blew a chance to down a punt deep in Pittsburgh territory. It is the worst stretch New England has played all year. It was as if everybody in New England had been suddenly transported to a Cleveland Browns fantasy camp to experience first-hand what it is like to be a Browns fan. And even after New England stemmed the tide with a 36-yard Rob Gronkowski touchdown, the Patriots still missed the ensuing extra-point and subsequently allowed another scoring drive. I have a feeling these 17 minutes are going to play a starring role in Belichick’s team film session.
-Tight End Rob Gronkowski continues to pile up career touchdowns like empty beer cans on a Gronk Party Cruise. On Sunday Gronkowski scored his 68th career touchdown, tying him with Stanley Morgan for the most in Patriots history. It took Morgan 180 games to reach 68; it took Gronk less than half that with 85. Including the playoffs, Gronk slides into the number one spot with 77 to Morgan’s 71.
-Seriously, Landry Jones, what is with that mustache? I have always operated under the general belief that 95% of all mustaches are either ironic or ridiculous but the Steelers QB is taking things to another level. He looks like somebody whose picture should be hanging in a police station with the phrase “Level 3” typed under it. It’s so awful it looks fake – like he was trying on Halloween costumes earlier and forgot to take it off. If he ever lands a starting job in the NFL don’t be surprised if they include a “shave the stache” clause in his contract. There is no way an NFL team wants that look as the face of the franchise.
-New England’s defensive success continues to be too directly linked to their offense’s success. In the first quarter when the offense went on two long scoring drives, the defense held Pittsburgh to two 3-and-outs and 38 total yards. Then when New England’s offense stalled, the Steelers were able to put together five consecutive drives into New England territory. And after the Patriots offense put together two more long scoring drives in the 3rd and 4th quarter, their defense held Pittsburgh to 36 yards on their final four drives. In the playoffs New England’s offense is probably going to struggle at some point, and if they do they will need the defense to pick them up, and not wait around for the offense to bail them out. Historically, this has been the difference between the Patriots defenses that have won championships and the ones that came up short.
-One way to give the defense a shot-in-the-arm might be a position switch for Jaime Collins. On Sunday Collins had another solid but quiet performance and is struggling this year to make an impact commensurate with his talent. With the pass rush continuing to struggle and the emergence of Elandon Roberts and Rob Ninkovich as possible replacements at linebacker, maybe it is time to slide Collins down to defensive end. This would serve to unclutter his mind from a multitude of defensive assignments and responsibilities and unleash his athleticism on opposing quarterbacks.
-When does everybody officially start panicking that New England’s kicker is looking more and more like Ian Baker-Finch?
-Nobody is praying more for Tom Brady’s retirement than the Pittsburgh Steelers. In his career, including playoffs, Brady is 9-2 against the Steelers with 26 touchdowns and just three interceptions, for a QB ratings of 113.7.
-Baseball Related Item: Somebody please ask Scottie Pippen how the hell it is possible to not know the words to “Take Me Out to the Ball Game”?
NFL Notes:
-This Week’s Big Baby Award goes to Jets QB Ryan Fitzpatrick. Fitzpatrick was recently benched but following an injury to Geno Smith Sunday, Fitzpatrick came off the bench to help lead the Jets to victory. After the game he said this: “The biggest thing in this game in order to last, is to have belief in yourself, because when the owner stops believing in you and the GM stops believing in you and the coaches stop believing in you, sometimes all you have is yourself. That’s something that I’ve had to deal with before. That’s something that I’m dealing with now.” Waaaaaaaaaah, poor little Ryan is mad he got benched. I thought Harvard guys were supposed to be smart. Somebody please explain to Fitzpatrick that when you fumble five times and lead the NFL with 11 interceptions you’re probably not holding onto your job. And I’m not sure why he said, “I’ve had to deal with this before”. In 2011 he led the NFL with 23 interceptions and still started 16 games the following year. Fitzpatrick has been given multiple opportunities with six different teams to prove he doesn’t suck, and he has failed every time.
Credit Jets coach Todd Bowles for responding with a not-so-veiled shot at his quarterback: “If pissed off is going to stop the turnovers, I’m more than happy to have him play pissed off.”
-If you happened to miss it, watch A.J. Green’s Hail Mary catch against the Cleveland Browns Sunday. It is one of the best catches you will ever see. Green currently leads the NFL with 50 receptions and is second with 775 yards. Imagine what he would do with a good coach.
-I know they say a tie is like kissing your sister (I wonder how Kate Upton’s brother feels about that quote) but I was absolutely riveted by the Seattle/Arizona game Sunday night that finished in a 6-6 tie. Not only was it refreshing to see a game where both defenses dominate, but an NFL divisional game when both teams are considered legitimate contenders is as mean and nasty as football gets. But from an entertainment point-of-view, all of that pales in comparison to watching two kickers completely meltdown and miss back-to-back overtime field goals inside of 30 yards. As far as sports drama goes, it was priceless. Imagine being a concussion-riddled linebacker that has been banging heads for over three hours and you have to watch some scrawny former high school soccer player choke away all of your hard work.
-Speaking of NFL kickers, I am on record as stating that I have always hated kickers, largely because they are not real athletes, they are not real football players and they have spent the better part of the last several decades crushing the souls of sports fans and robbing gamblers of untold millions. (For the record, Adam Vinatieri is the exception to virtually all of these rules). So it goes without saying, that I really, really, really hate kickers that are abusive towards women and children. So good riddance to NY Giants kicker and all-around horrible person, Josh Brown, who was recently placed on the Commissioner’s Exempt List, all but ending his NFL career. It’s bad enough he has never spent a single day in jail and will still get paid millions of dollars this year, but at the very least NFL fans, and domestic violence victims will not have to watch him kick on Sundays.