By Michael Vallee
The NFL playoffs are as good as it gets. Nothing is more anticipated, relevant, analyzed and enjoyed in the world of sports. Whether you are tailgating at Gillette, watching the games with friends at a bar or house or parking your backside on the couch for 8 straight hours, if you are among the millions of football fans virtually your entire social calendar over the next month revolves around football. But this weekend football fans from Tennessee to Tacoma received a harsh reminder that there is no guarantee that the games themselves will always cooperate and live up to the hype, as they sat through four lopsided beatdowns with an average margin of victory of 19 points. 0 for 4 on close games; 0 for 4 on 4th quarter drama, 0 for 4 on memorable moments, not exactly what the NFL was looking for when they kicked off their annual 11-game football bonanza. Sure, there was the occasional big hit, long touchdown or even Hail Mary but if Roger Goodell had an honest bone in his body he’d tell you Wild Card weekend 2017 was a big fat dud for the NFL.
In honor of the only competitive game played this weekend, the phenomenal National Championship between Alabama and Clemson, let’s assign each of these playoff blowouts a bowl name.
Sacrificial Lamb Bowl
Was there a more fitting way to begin this bust of a weekend than with the Raiders/Texans game? It’s hard to remember a playoff game where the participants were more universally mocked. Debating who was going to win this game would be like debating who’s the better actor, Ben Affleck or Keanu Reeves? They’re both terrible, so what’s the point. The Boston Bruins have a better chance of winning the Super Bowl than either of these teams. And the only thing more depressing than being as bad as the Texans or Raiders is knowing that your reward for victory is the privilege to travel thousands of miles to get stomped by the New England Patriots.
At least the Raiders have an excuse for being terrible. They lost franchise QB Derek Carr to injury, forcing them to decide between an unproven rookie and a banged up redhead named McGloin. Uggh. That’s like deciding if you want to spend the night watching Real Housewives of Orange County or Real Housewives of Atlanta. Of course the Texans have no excuse for their awfulness, they just stink by their own volition. Houston is a team stuck in their own personal NFL groundhog day:
Win crappy division, get slaughtered in the playoffs
Win crappy division, get slaughtered in the playoffs
Win crappy division, get slaughtered in the playoffs
You can practically set your clock to it. Adding to their issues, they are without rah-rah-sis-boom-bah hard guy J.J. Watt. Though, even without their all-world defensive end, they did still manage to have the number one overall defense in the NFL. Did you know they had the number one overall defense in the NFL? Because they definitely have the number one overall defense in the NFL. Just ask Jon Gruden because he really, really wants you to know they had the number one overall defense in the NFL. And the Texans entered the game with their own QB issues, being forced to start free agent disaster Brock Osweiler because of an injury to newly promoted Tom Savage.
Of course all of this would add up to a hot mess of a football game that featured a combined 15 penalties, 6 out of 31 third down conversions and an excruciating 19 punts, including 11 three-and-outs. The game was every bit as ugly as you would have guessed, with the Raiders eventually succumbing to the wild incompetence of overwhelmed rookie QB Connor Cook, who finished 18-45 with three interceptions. Trying to win an NFL playoff game with a lousy quarterback is like trying to win the lottery without numbers. The only person who had a worse day than Cook was QB Matt McGloin, who had to stand on the sideline for three hours and watch the rookie implode while his coach refused to give him a shot, indirectly telling him, “Believe it or not I actually think you suck worse than that guy.” It was the first of many baffling coaching decisions from Wild Card weekend. What wasn’t baffling was the quality of play in the Raiders/Texans game which, sadly, was the most predictable part of Wild Card weekend.
Final Score:
Texans: 27
Raiders: 14
Referees Stink Bowl
At least the second game of the playoffs gave some semblance of competitiveness, with Seattle only leading 10-6 entering the 4th quarter. And the game could have been closer were it not for a blown first half call on a 4th and goal touchdown, when Seattle receiver Paul Richardson ripped the face mask of Lion defender Tavon Wilson while making a one-arm TD catch. The bad calls would continue in the 4th quarter when a Thomas Rawls 32-yard run should have been partially nullified by an obvious block in the back downfield by QB Russell Wilson (yup, you read that correctly, the guy blocks too). With the benefit of the non-call the Seahawks would eventually kick a field goal for a 13-6 lead.
On the ensuing drive Lions QB Matthew Stafford, in the shadow of his own end zone, launched a ball deep down the sideline for receiver T.J. Jones. Jones was clearly grabbed by cornerback DeShawn Shead but the officials conferred and ruled that the ball was uncatchable. If that call surprises you, it should, because it is virtually never made in an NFL game. Week in and week out, balls sail well over guys heads on pass interference calls with officials seemingly never giving a second thought to their catchability. In fact, during the entire season I can’t recall a single uncatchable ruling, and I watch a lot of NFL football. Do I think Jones would have caught the ball? No. Was it on some level possible for him to catch the ball? Yes, and that is all that matters. The flag should have been thrown.
Pass interference has not been kind to the Lions in the postseason. Do you remember two years ago in the Lions/Cowboys Wild Card game when Dallas was called for a fairly routine pass interference in the 4th quarter only to have the flag inexplicably picked up AFTER the penalty was announced? It was an unprecedented move and one of the most bizarre and unfair officiating calls in NFL playoff history. Dallas took the lead on the next drive and went on to win 24-20.
While none of Saturday’s blown calls were that egregious, they clearly impacted the game. But did they cost Detroit the game? Probably not, the Lions have Thomas Rawls to thank for that. The Seattle running back ripped through the Lions defense like a hot knife through butter, shredding them for 167 yards rushing – most of them between the tackles.
Officials or no officials, the result of the game should have surprised nobody. Seattle/Detroit is the textbook definition of two franchises from opposite sides of the tracks. The Seahawks have made the playoffs 11 of the last 14 years and during that span played in three Super Bowls and won a championship in 2013. The Detroit Lions have made the playoffs just twice in the last 17 years and haven’t won a playoff game since 1991 when, ironically, they throttled the soon-to-be powerhouse Cowboys, 38-6. Detroit also hasn’t won a playoff road game since 1957. No, that’s not a misprint. Remember when recently deceased fascist Fidel Castro was alive and people would say, “He has outlasted 10 U.S. Presidents”? Well, the Lions road playoff losing streak has officially outlasted Castro.
Final Score:
Seahawks: 26
Lions: 6
Drill Matt Moore Bowl
If Seattle/Detroit at least pretended to be a competitive game, Pittsburgh/Miami didn’t bother. The Dolphins/Steelers game was like one of those old Mike Tyson fights, where you go to grab some popcorn and a beer and when you get back Tyson is already celebrating and some poor sap is lying face down on the canvas. Seven minutes into this one-sided affair Pittsburgh was up 14-0 and already making their travel plans for Kansas City.
Most disappointing for Dolphins fans is that they allowed themselves to get beaten by some obscure player named Antonio Brown (I hope I’m spelling that correctly), a barely known journeyman wide receiver who has only managed 481 catches over the last four years. On Pittsburgh’s first two drives Brown scored on touchdowns of 50 and 62 yards, and faster than you can say South Beach, Miami’s playoff hopes were gone. Seriously, how do you not account for the most productive receiver in the NFL? Anybody with a mild interest in the NFL, or a fantasy football team, knows that when you play Pittsburgh, Brown is the first guy you have to stop.
And it’s not as if Brown scored on two elaborate, highly complicated trick plays that Miami simply couldn’t have anticipated or gave some sort of superhuman effort for which there is no defense. Nope, he scored on a wide receiver screen and a slant, possibly two of the most basic pass routes in a modern football playbook; and he didn’t break a single tackle in the process. Somewhere Don Shula had to be rolling his eyes in disgust.
After that the rest of the game appeared to be a contest called “Who can hit Matt Moore the hardest”, with Steelers LB Bud Dupree winning in a landslide. Dupree played Sunday’s game as if Matt Moore had slept with his wife, blasting the Dolphins QB with multiple soul-shifting hits. Credit Moore for hanging in there and still having a somewhat productive game despite the abuse. He did fumble twice but in his defense one was the result of a blindside hit and the other fumble occurred when James Harrison actually threw running back Jay Ajayi at Moore. I don’t think there is anything you can do in practice to prepare for having your own players thrown at you.
The only drama that remained in this game was courtesy of the bad coaching department. Despite leading by three scores Steelers coach Mike Tomlin thought it was wise to have Ben Roethlisberger attempting passes (and Antonio Brown returning punts) late in the 4th quarter. I think you know where this is going. If this was a Seinfeld episode it would sound something like this: Roethlisberger attempted a pass with less than five minutes left in a blowout and yada, yada, yada, two hours later he limped out of Heinz Field in a walking boot. I have no idea what Tomlin was thinking sending his franchise QB back to pass in a three-score game. Then again I often have no idea what Mike Tomlin is thinking. Reportedly Roethlisberger will be ready to go next week, but if he is limited at all that is 100% on Tomlin. Stay tuned.
Final Score:
Steelers: 30
Dolphins: 12
Miami Beach Bieber Bowl
It’s rare that a playoff game is defined by what a handful of receivers did on their day off, but then again it’s also rare for NFL players to fly from New York to Miami to party all night with a no talent brat (Justin Bieber), an alcoholic trainwreck (Johnny Manziel) and a marginally famous rapper (Trey Songz) six days before an NFL playoff game. Now, there was always the possibility that the way the game played out on Sunday would render all of this moot. Unfortunately for Odell Beckham and his cohorts there was also the possibility that all of this would blow up in their face.
Unlike the other games this one was almost a blowout the other way. For a quarter and a half the Giants pounded the Packers in every phase the game. Midway through the second quarter, excluding penalties, the Giants had outgained Green Bay 194 to 7. The problem was the numbers that mattered, the ones on the scoreboard, only read 6-0, in part because of a slew of drops from……wait for it……wait for it……Odell Beckham and his crew of Miami party boys. More specifically Beckham and Sterling Shepard, who combined for four drops in the first half. I guess wearing Timbalands on a Yacht and pounding bubbly in “da club” is not the best way to sharpen your focus before an NFL playoff game. Beckham’s drops were particularly devastating, with the first ending the Giants opening drive and keeping New York out of field goal range, and the second happening in the end zone, costing the Giants a touchdown. You could all but hear the boys from the NY Post and the other local tabloids cynically banging away on their computers.
But no stories of debauchery-fueled losses would be filed just yet as the Giants were still in complete control of the game, aided by an anemic first half performance by Aaron Rodgers and the Packers offense. For the first 26 minutes of the game Rodgers played like he had been on his own party boat last week. On his first 19 pass plays he completed just six passes and was sacked four times, resulting in five consecutive punts. It looked like Green Bay would need a miracle to put any points on the board, and they got one, in the form of a Hail Mary. On the last play of the first half, after finally breaking through for a touchdown on their previous drive, Rodgers launched a ball deep into a chaotic scrum, that somehow found Randall Cobb in the back of the end zone for a touchdown. It was a touchdown that seemed to simultaneously spur Rodgers and the Green Bay offense and break the will of the Giants.
Using the end of the half as a catalyst, Rodgers tore through the Giants completing 14 of 17 second half passes for over 200 yards and two touchdowns. It was vintage Rodgers. Of course the exceedingly overrated Mike McCarthy did his best to give away the game with an awful decision to go for it on 4th and 1 early in the 3rd quarter. But on this day Rodgers would overcome all mistakes, coaching and otherwise, as the Packers pummeled the Giants over the final 20 minutes, outscoring them 24-0.
In a lot of ways the game was a microcosm of Green Bay’s entire season: poor start, explosive finish. Unfortunately the game, and the week, was also a microcosm of Odell Beckham’s entire career. Beckham is a monster talent but he doesn’t seem to understand how to manage the emotional component of playing in the NFL. All told he was targeted 11 times against Green Bay and only managed a mere four catches for 28 yards. We will never know if his Miami soiree had anything to do with his performance, or the performance of the other Giants receivers, but we do know that in no way did that trip help them on Sunday. Whether the effect was tangible, symbolic or as Troy Aikman said, “Just a bad look”, Beckham made his entire offseason that much longer and harder with his ill-advised trip. Have fun reading the New York papers this week, Odell, I have a feeling after the first few headlines you are going to be wishing you were back on that party boat, and as far away from the New York media as possible.
Final Score:
Packers: 38
Giants: 13
Playoff Leftovers
-Phil Simms was particularly awful during the Miami/Pittsburgh game which is saying a lot if you are familiar with the monotone babbling nonsense that makes up a typical Simms broadcast. When he wasn’t whining about the cold or making awkward attempts at self-deprecation he was stumbling through another incoherent sentence or offering nothing that even resembles quality football analysis.
There is not enough time or space to itemize all of the inane and uncomfortably stupid things Simms said so let’s just focus on, by far, the dumbest thing Simms had to offer during Sunday’s game. When discussing the potential hiring of Steelers offensive coordinator Todd Haley, Simms opined that Haley wasn’t being considered for any head coaching jobs because, “That’s the way he wants it”. He then went into some convoluted drivel about how Haley couldn’t handle simultaneously preparing game plans and interviewing for a head coaching job and thus didn’t want to be considered for any of the NFL openings. The asinine nature of this opinion, even when judged on the Simms scale, is off the charts. Anybody familiar with the ambition of NFL coaches and the massive discrepancy in compensation between an offensive coordinator and a head coach knows that virtually every coordinator in the NFL would love a head coaching job, particularly Haley, who has already been a head coach, and failed, and would love a shot at redemption. That Simms doesn’t know this is absolutely remarkable. Incidentally, it took all of one day for numerous reports to shoot down Simms ridiculous theory and declare that, yes indeed, Haley would like to interview for a head coaching job.
-Watching Russell Wilson hand off to Thomas Rawls and then proceed to sprint downfield so he could throw a block for his running back, speaks volumes about Wilson. Yeah, he probably had little impact on the play but the balls and initiative he showed tells you everything you need to know about Wilson and what kind of leader and quarterback he is. Someday NFL scouts and GMs will stop obsessing over size, arm strength and gaudy college stats and realize that the intangibles are much more important when projecting a quarterback’s potential.
-Hail Mary, Full of Grace: Rodgers Hail Mary against the Giants must have been sweet revenge for the Packers QB. If you recall in the 2011 playoffs when the G-Men stunned 15-1 Green Bay, 37-20, at Lambeau, it was the Giants that scored with a Hail Mary on the last play of the first half.
-Bargain Hunting: Speaking of quarterbacks and intangibles, Matt Moore can play for my team any time. The fact that he missed just one play after getting absolutely drilled by Bud Dupree shows a toughness that is rare and essential if you want to succeed as an NFL quarterback. And the Dolphins should take note because I personally didn’t see much difference between what Matt Moore has done the last two games and what Ryan Tannehill gives them every week as the starting quarterback. Why is that significant? Because of these two numbers:
-Ryan Tannehill’s 2017 salary: 18 million
-Matt Moore’s 2017 salary: 1.75 million
I’ll take Moore and the 1.75 million any day.
-What the hell happened to Victor Cruz? The guy was a legit number one receiver that averaged 80 catches a year for a three-year span and last year managed to grab just 39 catches and one touchdown. You’re not supposed to wear down during just your sixth season in the NFL.
-Can You Guys Please Close the Roof: Stick tap to the Green Bay Packer fans who not only show up every game in massive numbers but remain in their seats throughout the game regardless of the temperature. Contrast that with the pitiful Steelers fans who scurried indoors for much of Pittsburgh’s playoff game because it was just a little too cold for them, leaving behind a massive number of empty seats that made the Steelers/Dolphins game look less like the playoffs and more like the final game of the preseason. So much for that steel city tough guy reputation that was once well deserved and is now a joke. Even the sometimes cold-averse Pats fans, with the exception of the spoiled fancy boys in the club seats, endure the cold during the playoffs.