Has anyone seen my jersey?
By Michael Vallee
-Evil Genius: Looks like the verdict is in on Belichick’s controversial decision to trade Chandler Jones and Jamie Collins. Jones started 16 games and registered 11 sacks while his replacement, Trey Flowers, started 11 games and finished with 9.5 sacks, including a monster 2.5 sack performance in the Super Bowl. Not only did New England not miss a beat this year on defense but trading Jones freed up millions in cap space and netted New England two big-time contributors in Joe Thuney and Malcolm Mitchell. As for the Collins trade, the Patriots defense improved significantly after the so-called franchise linebacker was shipped to the NFL’s basement in Cleveland. With stories surfacing that he reported to camp overweight along with his choice to commit long-term to a loser team like the Browns, you have to wonder if this guy was all in on the whole winning thing. Once again, it’s another example of Belichick knowing exactly when to cut bait.
-Dual Threat: Belichick the GM might have had his best year in 2016. Whether it was offseason trades, in-season trades or the draft it’s hard to argue with virtually anything he did over the last 12 months. And how about this nugget: the Patriots had 30 new faces on their 2016 Super Bowl Champion team that did not play for the 2014 Championship squad. How many NFL executives can win two Super Bowls in three years while turning over half the roster? An argument can be made that the Patriots have the best QB in the NFL, the best coach in the NFL and the best GM in the NFL.
-Back up the Brinks Truck: I think it’s safe to say Patriots fans are hoping Belichick the GM signs pending free agent Dont’a Hightower. Not only is Hightower a team leader on defense but the Patriots are dangerously thin at linebacker. And while we all know Belichick isn’t the most sentimental guy it can’t hurt negotiations when the player can argue that the Patriots would be minus two Super Bowls without him. If Hightower doesn’t make that goal line shoe-string tackle on Marshawn Lynch in 2014 and doesn’t cause that fumble on Matt Ryan the Patriots might still be stuck on three Super Bowls. As Teddy KGB once said, “Pay him, pay that man his money.”
-Super Bowl Shell Shock: Speaking of those two Super Bowls, Falcons coach Dan Quinn must be a basket case at this point. How do you mentally process being a part of arguably the two biggest choke jobs in NFL history. Yeah, Brady and the Patriots had a lot to do with it, but if you are on the losing end of those games the only thing on your mind when you think of either loss is, “We blew it.” As the DC for Seattle, Quinn can’t be blamed for Pete Carroll’s horrendous goal line play call but the loss Sunday is squarely on his shoulders. Everybody needs to stop blaming Kyle Shanahan for the decision to not run the ball after Julio Jones spectacular 4th quarter catch. Quinn is the head coach, that call is his and his alone. Can you Imagine Bill Belichick just standing there in the 4th quarter of a Super Bowl and letting Josh McDaniels pass the ball in that situation?
-Mic’d Up: The NFL Network’s Sound FX show for Super Bowl LI wasn’t quite the full blown football porn I was hoping for be but it’s still good and definitely worth a watch. The mics picked up a quote from Quinn that proved to be prophetic. Just before Matt Ryan took the field after the Patriots cut the lead to 28-20 Quinn said to him, “Let’s go attack, Matt, let’s go attack it brother.” Perhaps instead Quinn should have said, “Let’s go attack, Matt, unless we get in field goal range then, naturally, we will just run the ball three times and win the Super Bowl.”
-Roger That: How about the stones on Brady to record that alternate ending to his Shields MRI commercial months BEFORE Super Bowl LI. Brady, alone in a commercial, discussing a Super Bowl win that hasn’t yet happened isn’t exactly the same as half the Chicago Bears recording the Super Bowl Shuffle for all the world to see, but considering how things are run down there in Foxboro this was a huge break from business as usual. I wonder what Belichick thought when he first saw the commercial, and I don’t mean whatever bullshit he said publicly, I mean what he REALLY thought.
-It Ain’t over till it’s Over: Prior to Sunday, NFL playoff teams trailing by 17+ entering the 4th quarter were 0-124. If you’re thinking that the Buffalo Bills overcame a similar 4th quarter deficit when they rallied from 32 down against the Houston Oilers in ‘92, the Bills actually scored four 3rd quarter touchdowns and only trailed by four entering the final quarter.
-Thank You Sir may I have Another: For those keeping score at home, the Patriots final Deflategate punishment was a four game rest for Brady, which probably didn’t hurt in the 4th quarter of the Super Bowl, and an opportunity to showcase Jimmy Garoppolo which has already triggered rumors of a Bears, Browns, 49ers bidding war which should net the Patriots more than the 1st and 4th round draft picks that the league took from them. So if you get a chance maybe drop Goodell a nice thank you note for all he has done for the 2016 Super Bowl champs.
-Commissioner Clown Show: When the Patriots returned home from Houston Matt Patricia exited the plane wearing a Roger Goodell clown t-shirt from Barstool Sports and soon after reports surfaced that Goodell was “really bothered” by the t-shirt. Can you imagine making $40 million dollars a year to do a dream job like NFL Commissioner and still being such a thin-skinned, insecure narcissist that you actually care what t-shirt somebody wears? Goodell is pathetic. The report also states that NFL executives were “seething” at Robert Kraft for not stopping Patricia from wearing the t-shirt and for his fairly tame declaration that the fifth title was “the sweetest”. Those guys at NFL Headquarters have a set of brass ones. After all the crap they put the Patriots thru and all the cheap shots they took at New England, they have the gall to leak to an NFL reporter that they are upset over a t-shirt and a brief comment made after winning a Super Bowl. NFL executives strike me as the type of guys that cheat on their wives then tell everyone they are “seething” about their wives choice of a divorce attorney. If I were Kraft I would have been handing out Goodell clown shirts as I walked off the plane, shooting Goodell clown shirts out of a potato gun during the victory parade and then I would have gone full “Trading Places” and sold Goodell clown shirts for one dollar at the Patriots Pro Shop.
-Deflate This: Since Brady has been playing with those “legal” footballs, he is 28-6, has thrown 80 TDs to just 16 INTs and has won two Super Bowl MVPs. Maybe the rest of the league would have been better off just letting him play with the “deflated” footballs. I can’t imagine the results would have been any worse for them.
-America’s Funniest Home Videos: It is impossible to provide links to all of the wild social media reactions to the patriots comeback win but here’s a few you might enjoy: This video features David Ortiz going crazy when the Patriots win in overtime and has bonus footage of Lil’ Bow Wow, at the game, despondent over his Falcons collapse. Snoop Dogg weighed in praising Tom Brady as the best quarterback that ever lived. Click here if you want to watch one of several Atlanta fan meltdown videos, click here if you want to see a radio host lose his mind, click here if you want to see a gambler that bet on Atlanta go on an angry rambling diatribe and click here if you want to see a fed up Adolph Hitler flip out over the Patriots victory.
-What Size Straitjacket do you Wear?: This Super Bowl matchup really brought out the crazy in Ray Lewis who was at his bizarre best when he, for no apparent reason, recorded pregame pep talks for both the Patriots and the Falcons in what appears to be his garage. We have always known Ray was a little off but this is padded room type stuff. Can somebody close to the former linebacker please check on him or at least contact his doctor to see about upping his dosage.
-Deja Vu: On Sunday the happiest person in Houston should have been Stephen Gostkowski. If New England had failed on that final two-point conversion that would be back-to-back seasons ending in major disappointment because the kicker couldn’t make an extra point.
-First Time for Everything: 108 times this year teams had a 1st and 10 and their opponents 22-yard line. The Falcons were the first to punt.
-Running on Empty: It used to be that you would wear down a defense by running the ball but in the modern NFL the new method for exhausting defenses is with the pass. The Patriots snapped the ball over 100 times on offense (more than double Atlanta) and 70% of those plays were passes. In the 4th quarter the Falcons defense looked more exhausted than a Kardashian after NBA All-Star weekend and was a shell of the defense that was so effective in the first half.
-The Very Early Edition: So the Boston Globe had their “Dewey Defeats Truman” moment when they ran early editions in Florida with a picture of a dejected Tom Brady lying on the turf after his interception. Also Dan Shaughnessy claims that one of his editors told him to finish his story when the Patriots were down 28-3 and Shaughnessy, to his credit, refused.
-Second to None: Brady’s stats the last two Super Bowl 4th quarters and overtime: 35-43, 372 yards, 3 touchdowns, zero INTs, QB rating: 126.
-The Reports of My Death have been Greatly Exaggerated: Remember, not long ago, when analysts were throwing dirt on New England’s dynasty following that nightmare in Kansas City when they got shellacked 42-14? Immediately after the game certain critics bellowed “let’s face it, they’re not good anymore” and that week Grantland ran a piece suggesting that the Patriots were “fatally flawed”. Since then the Patriots are 43-9 and have added two Lombardi trophies to Kraft’s mantel. My favorite part of the Grantland piece: “Edelman is a college quarterback who nobody else in the league wanted in free agency before the 2013 season. Danny Amendola, who some idiot expected to replace Wes Welker, is almost a punch line…”
-Tough Act to Follow: Did Super Bowl LI ruin the Super Bowl? Seriously, how will any future Bowl come close to measuring up to what we saw last Sunday. If next year’s championship is a competitive hard fought 27-21 game it’s going to feel like a disappointment after what we just experienced.
-No Rest for the Wicked: The best part of New England’s comeback might have been all of the Patriot trolls that spent two hours laughing and celebrating only to sit there in stunned silence while Brady brought New England all the way back. If I could have been a fly on the wall in two houses it would have been these:
Michael Che: Che is the inarticulate talentless hack that co-anchors Weekend Update on Saturday Night Live. Che fumbles and stumbles his way thru every broadcast making multiple mistakes, rarely saying anything funny and the entire time has this miserable sourpuss look on his face that makes you wonder if he even wants to make you laugh. He is abysmal. He is also opinionated and on SNL the week before the Super Bowl he said, “I just wanna relax, turn my brain off, and watch the blackest city in America beat the most racist city I have ever been to”. Somebody please tell Che that we have nothing against black people, we just don’t like annoying, unfunny comedians. I would have loved to watch this no talent mope react to New England’s comeback. Is it possible for him to look more dour?
Maine Governor Paul LePage: This buffoon claims to boycott the Patriots because of what they did to Connecticut but in reality he’s just a grumpy lifelong NY Giants fan. By most accounts LePage is an unhinged wacko that specializes in offending people, threatening those that criticize him and generally saying a lot of dumb shit. He has never received 50% of the vote in any election and currently has one of the worst governor approval ratings in the country. LePage is also a notorious hot head and I hope his family hid the guns while he was watching those hated Patriots make history on sunday.
-Check My References: The NFL announced its 2017 Hall-of-Fame class Super Bowl week and one name on that list was Jason Taylor, who apparently got an assist from an old foe. Brady, who Taylor sacked more time than any other QB he faced, wrote a letter passionately arguing that Taylor belongs in the HOF. Dolphin Stadium (or whatever the hell they call it now) was often a house of horrors for Brady and the Patriots when they faced Taylor. Taylor’s Dolphins were the last team to shutout Brady when they beat him 21-0 in Miami during the 2006 season. Former Patriot, and ex-Brady teammate, Ty Law came up short this year in his bid for the HOF and might be wondering where his letter of recommendation was?
-At least We still have Our Health: Not sure where the Falcons go from here. How do you mentally rebound from quite possibly the worst loss in sports history? With the offseason in just its first week they are already off to an inauspicious start, firing two scapegoats coaches in the wake of the Super Bowl meltdown and hiring a college coach with a drinking problem, Steve Sarkisian, to replace 2016 NFL Assistant Coach of the Year, Kyle Shanahan, who was left to be the head coach of the 49ers. Not only is the hiring of Sarkisian risky but it has reportedly ticked off a lot of Quinn’s offensive assistants who were passed over for the job. This year’s Super Bowl hangover appears to be kicking in early.
-On Second Thought: If offensive coordinators were stocks, thru three quarters Kyle Shanahan was Google and Josh McDaniels was Enron, but by the time the game ended you have to wonder if the 49ers were thinking they may have hired the wrong coordinator.
-Oh Ye of little Faith: President Trump reportedly left his own Super Bowl party when the Patriots were losing 28-3.
-Walker Texas Ranger: You know you’ve reached the pinnacle as an athlete when you’re game jersey is stolen from your locker and the Texas Rangers are asked to help locate it. Then again Brady’s game-worn Super Bowl jersey is estimated to be worth 200K. If it was stolen what exactly is the thief’s plan? With all the hype around this story it would be nearly impossible to sell making it the sports equivalent of stealing a Picasso or a Van Gogh.
-Fountain of Youth: As we accurately predicted in this space the Brady/Goodell Super Bowl MVP trophy presentation proved to be rather benign but something was said that day which is fairly astounding. Talking about his future Brady said, “When I was 25, I was hurting all the time, and I couldn’t imagine playing as long as I did, just because, you know, if your arm hurts every day when you throw, how can you keep playing? And now, at 39, my arm never hurts and my body never hurts.”
We all know Brady has this crazy next-level training regimen and diet but it is unbelievable to hear a 39-year old guy that plays in the NFL say, “my body never hurts.” This isn’t racquetball or beach volleyball, it’s the NFL, a league whose culture of violence and injuries has been the focus of numerous books, lawsuits and a big-budget Hollywood movie. I have no idea how long Brady can keep playing but a quote like that certainly makes the reported 3-5 year estimate seem very realistic. Either way it’s been an entertaining ride. It certainly was on Sunday.